If Edward Was Evil
by Duck Life
Summary: Basically what the title says. I was bored. The thoughts are in italics. Please R&R! He's a vampire, in case you were wondering.OOC.
1. Edward Takes a Walk

I strolled leisurely down the street with a cup of coffee in my hands. (I'd added blood instead of milk, but I wasn't completely inhuman! I need caffeine, too!) I was listening closely, hoping that a chance to spread mayhem would occur.

…_and throw your hands up in the AYER a-AYER! AYER! A- ayer!_

…_you can have whatever you like! Said, you can have whatever you like…_

Honestly, it was like song lyrics were all anyone thought about! Did _everyone _have to have a song in their head! It drives me crazy! Arghhh!!!

_Oh, I hope I keep this shirt clean, Marcie'll kill me if I stain it!_

Mwahahahaha. I stopped in front of the teenage girl wearing the shirt in question and purposely tripped. I made sure to throw my coffee cup towards the girl, and splashed it on her at inhuman speed. When she finally realized what had happened, I was on the ground, pushing myself up. I pretended to see the black stain on her shirt for the first time. "Oh, did I do that?" I asked politely. "Terribly sorry." I practically skipped away, forcing myself not to crack up.

_I wish kids would stop to help old people across the street like they used to, _thought an old man waiting at the crosswalk. I ran over to him and put my hand on his back. "Come on, Gramps," I chanted. He grinned. When I had escorted him halfway across the street, I snickered and ran away. I watched behind me as he stopped, confused, and stomped angrily back to the crosswalk before something could hit him. That was good. I didn't want blood on my hands, no pun intended.


	2. Edward is a Subsitute Teacher

I walked into the first-grade class, listening to their thoughts buzzing around.

_I hope the sub likes me…_

_I hope the sub is nice…_

And then when I entered the room…

_Holy crow, he's HOT!_

_He's too young to be a teacher!_

_He's pretty!_

I chuckled. "Hello, class!" I said. "Today we're going to have a little lesson on phobias." I paused. "Who can tell me what a phobia is?" Five hands went up. I listened.

_Fear_

_Fear_

_Fear_

_Fear_

_A camera_, thought Sam.

I called on Sam. "A camera!" he said proudly. The class booed.

"Stupid Sam!" they shouted. "Phobias are fears!" I struggled to keep a straight face.

"Yes," I said, "Phobias are fears. Now, I would like you to think very hard about your biggest fear. You don't have to tell anyone. When you've got it, come look it up in the big book on my desk." Ryan raised his hand. "Yes?" I asked.

"Why do we look it up?" he asked timidly. I shrugged.

"All fears have a big word," I answered. "You have to find the big word for your fear."

"Oh," he said. Then, all the students began focusing on their fears. I listened carefully.

_Land sharks_

_Ladders_

_Apple cores_

_Hypnotism_

_People reading my mind, but that's stupid. I never want to tell anyone,_ thought Sam.

I pointed at him. "Sam, are you afraid of people reading your mind?" I asked diplomatically. He sputtered and turned beet red.

"H-how…but I-didn't…I WANT M Y MOMMY!" He cried and ran out of the room. I laughed. I _loved _this mind-reading thing!


	3. Edward Runs For President

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or Saturday Night Live. I'm not trying to insult Czechoslovakians, I was just making a joke. (I'm 12.5% Czechoslovakian myself.) Also, I can see where this might cause some concern, but this has NOTHING to do with the recent election, and I'm not trying to say that any president should be shot. (C'mon, you can see that Evil Edward would make a **_**horrible **_**president.)**

I stood tall and straight up against the podium. I could tell it was cold, even with my skin. The crowd gathering in front of me, blinding me with their camera flashes and shoving microphones at me contained so many thoughts buzzing around that I could have sworn they were yelling them at me. Come to think of it, they probably were.

"Senator Cullen, what will you do to help the environment?" asked a frantic redheaded girl with a pad of paper and a pen. _I hope he decides to enforce the use of solar panels,_ she thought urgently. I grinned maliciously.

"Well, first of all, I'm going to make solar panels illegal," I answered, shaking with silent laughter. She looked immensely disappointed and distraught. Another man shoved a tape recorder in my face.

"What are your views on illegal immigrants?" he asked. _I have nothing to worry about. Why would he kick out the Czechoslovakians?_ He added silently. I grinned again.

"Actually," I told him, "They can stay." He sighed in relief. "Except for the Czechoslovakians," I added snidely. He sputtered and turned around. I laughed. This campaigning was better than I thought it would be! Everyone wanted me to kiss their babies (I always tried to scare the infants as much as I could), my face was everywhere (Sometimes it had an "X" over it, but still…), and people from Saturday Night Live kept impersonating me (Nowhere close.). Yep, life was great. Except now, as a bullet speeds toward me. Oops, guess I made an enemy. Ha ha. I caught the projectile in my hand. Sweet.


	4. Edward Tricks Bella

I strutted up to the aging door of Bella's house. She answered as my fingers left the doorbell.

"Hi, Edward!" she said. Her eyes were wide and frantic, and her hair was frizzled. Her mind seemed to be somewhere else. Crap.

"Bella, calm down. I know what happened," I told her gently. She shook her head.

"What? Huh? Of course I didn't get a sugar high. I don't eat sugar. I don't even think about sugar. Nope, I forget about sugar sometimes. What is sugar anyway? Sugar, sugar, sugar. Hey, do you have sugar?" she said in one breath. I smiled. As long as she was crazy like this, I might as well take advantage of it.

"Hey, Bella," I asked, "Wanna go climb a tree?" She nodded in a lightning quick motion.

"Sure, yeah, let's go climbing trees. Let's climb mountains, and trucks, and anthills, and ladders, and houses, and tumbleweeds, and pistachios. I wanna climb, climb, climb! Sugar." Wow, how much did she ingest? I checked the date mentally. June 7th. There were no major holidays centered on candy that had been observed recently, so this must be self-inflicted. I shrugged and led her out to the highest tree I could find. She scurried up to the top like a squirrel.

"Edward, it's awesome! I can see my house. It looks like a little slab of chocolate." She looked down at me. "And _you _look like a Marshmallow Peep!" she yelled. "And all the trees look like lollipops, and the dirt looks like crumbled Oreos, and the bushes look like mints…" she went on. I stole away quietly, leaving her up in the tree, still fantasizing about unrealistic amounts of junk food.


	5. Edward Scares Kids

I kneeled, hidden in the hay at the top of the barn. The horses in the stalls below me whinnied and neighed. I watched as the young children filed in through the big red doors.

_Oh, I love horses so much!_ thought one.

_This is going to be so fun,_ thought another. I grinned and took aim with one of my pebbles.

"Ow!" cried one of the girls, rubbing the place on her arm where my stone had smashed into her. I quickly tossed another rock towards a small boy, who then began to whimper. Hiding my grin, I swung down from the rafters.

"What pain ails you, now?" I asked, trying to seem spooky. The little girl burst into tears.

"Something hit me!" she wailed. "It stung!" I wore a grave expression.

"Oh, but didn't you know?" I asked. "These are evil spirit horses. They only wish to harm you." For about a second, the little kids were absolutely still and silent. Then, there was a mad scramble to escape from the "evil spirit horses". I stayed in the barn, laughing and watching as the frightened children ran away sobbing and screaming.


	6. Edward Gets What He Deserves

I looked up from where I was seated on the couch, and then returned my gaze to my hands, which were folded on my knees. Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were seated in a semi-circle around me. Carlisle stood I front of me.

"Edward," he said calmly, "It has come to our attention that you haven't been as, well, _kind_, as you could be," he said, watching me carefully. Alice leapt up.

"He threw _rocks _at little _kids_! He left an old man in the middle of the street!" she cried. "Of course he hasn't been as kind as he could be! The only way he could be any _less _kind is if he conquers the world!" she continued. Esme put her hand up.

"Alice, dear, don't put an ideas into his head," she said softly. I grimaced. I was evil, and they just had to deal with that.

"Anyway," said Carlisle, "This behavior will need to be stopped. We're going to…er- punish you." I blinked.

"How?" I asked blankly. Suddenly, they had me pinned in the corner and were all thinking the same thing as one.

_My bologna has a first name_, thought Alice.

_It's O-S-C-A-R_, thought Rosalie in nearly a scream.

_My bologna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R! _They were all thinking in synchronization. _I like to eat it every day, and if you ask me why, I'll say, "'Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!_ They sang it in their heads five times until I finally pushed them off.

"Okay, okay, I'll be good, just _please _stop it!" I yelled. I could feel my eye twitching.

_You'd better_, thought Alice threateningly. I glanced at her warily, and then turned to Carlisle.

"I'll never use my vampirism or mind reading for evil again. Just _please _don't do that to me!" I pleaded. He smirked.

"I think you've learned your lesson. C'mon, let's go hunting," he said.

**THE END**


End file.
